Are We Sexually Compatible?

It is pretty normal for every couple to face with this situation in which one of them has a higher sex drive. The one with the higher sex drive may not necessarily be the guy. What can cause the differences in sex drive? How to cope with this discrepancy in sexual desire? Read on!

What can cause the difference in sex drive?

(1) Relationship problems

This happens as a result of differences on matters such as who should contribute more for household expenses and who should pay for which item, child rearing and relationship with in-laws. When couples cannot resolve conflicts over these matters, one of them will bear a grudge against the other one. This bottled up anger can cause the aggrieved side to lose sexual interest on his/her partner. This can also lead to him/her using the withholding of sex as a weapon to punish his/her partner.


(2) Insufficient knowledge about sex

If one or both of you are raised in societies where there is no sex education or where sex is a taboo and being looked negatively as something dirty or immoral, this can prevent you from looking for ways to enrich and spice up your sex life. You or your spouse may think that sex is just meant only for procreation and cannot see any relationship between sex and pleasure.

(3) Psychological issues

Stress over work or child rearing, performance anxiety, lack of sexual confidence, past histories of sexual abuse, physical or mental ailments, drug abuse, medication (drugs such as those for hypertension can hurt sexual desire) can leave either one of you to lose interest in sex.

(4) Differences in the way you and your spouse look at sex

You and your partner may have different baseline sex drives and/or may prioritize sex differently. This may not be any serious relationship problems, only mere differences in the way how each side thinks about sex.

(5) Not enough passion

Absence makes the heart grows fonder. Not enough space for each other, with both sides sticking to each other like a piece of chewing gum can be stifling and hurt passion in the long run. The pressures and expectations we put on our intimate relationships may kill the passion in lovemaking.

How to cope with discrepancies in sexual desire?

(1) Avoiding blaming your partner

It is always very easy to blame others when problems crop up. This can only cause the other side to get defensive and discourage your spouse from working together with you to come up with solutions. Even if you feel most of the problems lie with your partner, it is better to find out what the causes are or how they arise.

(2) Talking to your partner

When relationship problems crop up, it is best to find the space and time to talk to your partner. If you do not talk to your partner, you will not be able to discover the roots of the problems and he/she may not be aware of the existence of problems or your concerns. Before you talk to your spouse, make sure you think before you talk, avoid putting the blame on him/her, begin your statements with “I” such as, “I think…..” or “I am concern about ……..” and always remember to listen. However if the situation deteriorates to the point where both of you cannot talk to each other without ending up in arguments, you will have to find a counselor or therapist.

(3) Working towards a compromise

It is very unrealistic to expect everything to go according to the ways you want. A relationship is a series of constant adjusting to each other and involving lots of give and take. Finding sexual compromise is much easier when you lay down all your sexual options on the table for both sides to review over them in the process of working through the differences in sexual desire.

By: Ng Eng Hou

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